The Thing About Grief

Ten years ago today I lost my mom.

I am fully aware that some of you are tired of reading about me losing my mom. And I get it. Many people feel that way—”grief comes, and it goes, and you have to move on”—but we’ll get to that in a second.

Ten years ago today I lost my mom.

I’ve grieved over that loss ever since.  

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My Mom Died 7 Years Ago: The Truth About Why I Stopped Trying to Let Go

It’s been seven years, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was sometime after midnight, and I was wearing an oversized blue sweater with a pair of pink Victoria’s Secret sweats that I stole from her closet. My sister and I were each clenching tight to one of her hands, while my brother sat on the couch across from us with his elbows on his knees, hunched over in disbelief but prepared accept whatever was about to come his way. He was 16. My dad sat at the end of her bed, probably rubbing her feet—she always loved when he did that—but I couldn’t tell you for sure because I didn’t have the courage to look his way in those moments.

Her breathing had slowed, but with each inhale we could hear the agonizing sound of water that had begun filling her lungs—a sign the inevitable was about to come.

And within minutes, the inevitable did come.

My mother took one final, slow breath.

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A Message From My Mom on Mother’s Day

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I headed to SoulCycle this morning to get my mind off what I knew was bound to be a difficult day. Little did I know I’d end up leaving in tears and learning one of the greatest lessons of my life.

As today marks Mother’s Day, the class was packed with moms and their daughters, smiling, laughing and taking polaroid pictures at a little station the studio had set up to commemorate the fun morning. When they asked if I’d like to grab my mom and take a photo, I simply smiled and shook my head no.

I was alone.

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