I Was Afraid of Your Judgment and That’s Why I Didn’t Write for 6 Months

 

It’s been six months since I sat down and found the courage to write what’s really been going on in my life.

It’s certainly not because I didn’t have anything to write about, and it’s absolutely not because I lost my passion for writing. In fact, I’ve had to feed my appetite for blogging by posting little thoughts and poems on my Instagram account when I just couldn’t bring myself to put it all out there.

The truth is, I was afraid.

I was afraid of myself and the crazy reality I wanted to spill on here.

And I was afraid of you.

How would you feel about me after I tell you everything that’s happened? How would the people who are involved in this handle what I had to say? Would you all shake your head in disappointment? Point your finger and say, I told you so?

But more than anything, I feared your judgment.

I feared people telling me that I was crazy. I feared people giving me advice that I didn’t ask for, and I feared people turning on me because they didn’t approve of my decisions. I feared being alone.

And then something shifted in me recently, and I realized I am so far from being alone.

I know they say “misery loves company,” but I think that’s a little harsh. I’ve found genuine, positive company in so many people around me who are all going through massively different situations, and yet somehow all of our stories are connected by one, common vein:

We’re all just doing our best.

We’re trying to hang on during this roller coaster we call life. We’re questioning our jobs and our purpose on this planet, feeling helpless in a world where tragedy is more prevalent than ever. Our relationships are all growing in different directions and many of us are in a constant tug-of-war between finances and fun. Nothing is concrete, everything is gray and there’s absolutely nothing we can rely on except ourselves, the goodness in our hearts and the honest belief that we’re just trying to be the best people we can be.

Look, I fell in love with a wonderful man a little too soon. I ended up leaving him after six months for my ex-boyfriend who I thought was my only possible happy ending. We went to Paris, kissed in front of the Eiffel Tower, laughed along Avenue des Champs-Élysées and two weeks after our return to L.A., we broke up. He kissed my forehead, turned his back and walked out of my apartment after realizing our love story just didn’t have the fairy-tale ending we both had hoped and prayed for over the last five years of our lives.

We did our best.

But sometimes the universe has other plans.

In a whirlwind of events, I’m back together with the aforementioned wonderful man. We started dating again a couple weeks after my ex gave me the closure I needed to allow my heart another opportunity to love. And while I’m not certain about anything anymore, I can say for a fact that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

We all are.

And that’s why I ask you to take a step back and refrain from judgment—not only in the way you look at someone else’s life, but in the way you look at your own.

As long as you’re acting out of goodness, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with whatever you choose to do. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone around you, have the courage to accept the freedom in making your own decisions and just go with it.

People may judge, but understand that those are the people who haven’t reached that sense of freedom just yet. Don’t judge them, either. Once we’re able to accept our own decisions with confidence, we stop judging the decisions that other people make, too.

You’re not alone. You’re human. We’re all human, and we’re all just doing our best.

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One thought on “I Was Afraid of Your Judgment and That’s Why I Didn’t Write for 6 Months

  1. Bay says:

    Well said girl. That was something I needed to read over my cup of coffee this morning, that we are all just doing our best, and we are just where we are supposed to be. Easy to get wrapped up in the chaos, but the truth is there is beauty at every corner. Thanks for writing again!

    Like

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