I wrote my last blog post over two months ago, and I spent a good portion of that time questioning all of my life decisions (so melodramatic of me, right? #PiscesProblems).
You see, when I shared my breakup story in my last post, I can be honest in saying I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself. I didn’t wonder what my ex would say or what his family, friends and all the people who knew about our (loving, happy, comfortable) relationship would think.
I wrote that post for me.
I was feeling lost and scared and knew writing would help me unleash all of the emotions I’d locked up in my heart and in my mind for so long, and I knew there would be people who could connect with me on that level. There’s strength in vulnerability, and I knew that’s exactly what I needed at that time.
And then I got a phone call from him.
I was caught off guard when he expressed his feelings about it and (politely) asked me to refrain from sharing anything else about our relationship for a while. I found myself taking a step back and reevaluating all those motivations I was so certain about before. I know that wasn’t his desire at all (it was more a way for him to dodge any further questions about us from other people), but the problem is I allowed someone else to cause me to question myself.
In fact, I’d been allowing other people to do that for as long as I can remember.
We are so often concerned with what everyone else thinks and everyone else’s emotions that, when someone disagrees with us, we lose track of our own self, our own feelings and our own purpose. We lose that sense of self-trust, and when we do that, we lose a little bit of self-love, too.
While, in hindsight, I totally understand his reaction to the piece and still very much care about him and his feelings (which is why I respected his request), that post simply wasn’t about him.
I wrote that post for me.
I wrote that post to give myself a little bit of love on a Sunday after waking up alone in the same bed I used to share with him every day, for almost four years.
So after questioning myself for a while and digging deep into my soul for answers, I realized my motivations were clear and right all along—out of vulnerability and out of a good place in my heart that only I can be 100% certain about…Out of love for myself.
No, his feelings weren’t at the forefront of my mind because that’s where my feelings were. For the first time in my life, I put my love for myself in front of my love for somebody else.
You may call that selfish or self-centered, but I now have a different way of looking at things—through a quote I found, of all places, on the wall of a trendy bathroom stall in a Los Angeles beauty salon:
Falling in love with yourself first doesn’t make you vain or selfish; it makes you indestructible.
And this, my friends, is the exact reason I’ve set out on this journey.
I still daydream about him and all his nuances—the little indent on one of his fingers from an accident he had as a kid; the way his lips fell perfectly as he slept, but for some reason one eye would remain slightly open; the way he showered, his handwriting and his unruly sock drawer; how he used to smile at me after a long day of work, hold me when I cried and encourage me when I needed it most.
Stepping away from all of that to take this journey wasn’t easy; in fact, I find myself teary-eyed right now just thinking about it. But there is a deeper meaning to this solo excursion that I needed to take in order to dive into the depths of my own being.
I want to create a life in which I feel so concrete in my own heart and my own soul that I can encourage myself and pick myself up when I need it—so strong that nothing and no one can cause me to question myself, distrust my intuition or, worse off, lose sight of the love I have for me…ever.
I want to create a life in which I am strong and confident all on my own; a life in which I am indestructible, despite anything that comes my way.
I don’t know what the future will hold for me. I don’t know if in 10 years I’ll find myself happily married with some cute, towheaded children, or if I’ll find myself happily single with my only responsibility being a really expensive shoe collection and a dog. Maybe I’ll be singing along to Disney songs while driving to soccer practice, or maybe I’ll be traveling the world and visiting all the places my parents never saw. Maybe I’ll be working my dream job and coming home to a glass of red wine, or maybe I’ll be working my dream job and coming home to a family of five. Or maybe I’ll be doing all of the above (we all know I have an aggressive sense of determination).
But no matter where I end up in this life, through all the ups and downs, twists, turns and plot changes, there’s one person who will always, always be there…
I could be surrounded by the most amazing family (which I am), the greatest group of friends (which I have) and the world’s best man (which I had), but If I don’t trust me, if I don’t find happiness in me, if I don’t love ME, I am still alone.
So after spending the last couple months questioning myself and my life decisions—often finding all the wrong answers after one too many tequila gimlets and regretful postings of what I thought were sexy Snapchat stories—I can now confidently say one thing: no more of that bullshit.
I may have taken a few steps backward while questioning myself and my purpose, but after repeating “just do you, girl” in my head for however many weeks, I’m finally back on track.
I miss him terribly and still love him deeply, but this is not about him. It was never about him.
This is about me.
I’m happy with me. I trust me. I love me.
I am indestructible.